i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
