Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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