I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
