I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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