Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
