We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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