He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
