i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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