I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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