had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
