Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
