I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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