I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
