I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
