Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize