can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
