Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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