I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
