I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
