I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
