I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
