well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
