I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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