lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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