he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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