one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
