I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
