Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
