my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
