how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Is Oprah even human
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
