I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Sacagawea was the original milf.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
