hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
we're so committed to being not committed
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
