I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
