someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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