yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize