mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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