I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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