Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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