u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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