Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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