Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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