i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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