booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
