Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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