Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
