i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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