I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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