he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
try to milk me bitch
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