Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
