It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize