i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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