another moral hangover. fuck.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The Olympian is in my bed
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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