Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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