Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's rum buckets o'clock
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
