I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
