Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
