Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
