I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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