A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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