my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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