my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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